Cast of Characters
Adele Sullivan - A would-be urban sophisticate "of a certain age," say, forty-eight. She has a speech habit of stressing certain words in a sentence, and the stresses become more pronounced when she's excited. She wears a stylish "little black dress" and carries a small purse but has no coat.
Roger Sullivan - Adele's husband, a dapper man of about fifty. He moves briskly and speaks staccato. He wears a pale summer suit.
NOTE: There should be a strong visual contrast between Adele and Roger. It doesn't much matter what either one looks like, but if, for example, one is thin and angular, the other might be round and fleshy, if one is dark haired the other could be blond (or grey), etc.
Jessica Marino - An extremely pregnant young woman in her early twenties. She thinks she's all grown up, but inside there's a whiney, spoiled child. She wears whatever casual maternity clothes she had on when she went into labor.
Scene
The elevator of a high-rise apartment building on Manhattan's Upper East Side.
Time
A warm evening in late spring.
SETTING: The interior of an elevator in an upscale high- rise apartment building on Manhattan's Upper East Side. The doors are at stage left, with the panel of control buttons upstage of them.
AT RISE: The elevator doors open and ADELE and ROGER enter. ADELE is about forty-eight, and wears a stylish "little black dress," carries a small purse, but has no coat. ROGER, her husband, is a dapper man of about fifty, wearing a pale summer suit. They're in the midst of an argument.
ADELE
I have never been so humiliated in my life.
ROGER
I've no idea what you're talking about. No idea at all.
ADELE
You were practically drooling into her cleavage!
ROGER
(Pushing the first floor button as the elevator doors close.)
Oh, come off it, Adele. I may have been flirting a little. Just a little. Don't know why you're getting so bent out of shape.
ADELE
A little! Oh, pul-lease, Roger! A little!
ROGER
Well, what did you want me to do? I was bored silly!
ADELE
Next time, why don't you just screw some bimbo on the dining table?
ROGER
They're your friends, Adele. I didn't even want to go to the damned party.
ADELE
My friends! MY friends! Who accepted the stupid invitation? Who ...?
(ADELE stops abruptly in mid-sentence as the elevator stops at another floor and the doors open. JESSICA begins to enter. SHE is very young, early twenties, and very, very pregnant. Halfway through the doors, SHE stops, tenses, grabs with one hand at the edge of the doors for balance, and cups the other hand beneath her stomach. SHE stares fixedly at a point on the back wall of the elevator, and begins to breathe very slowly and deliberately. After a few seconds ....)
ADELE
Are you alright?
(JESSICA doesn't answer immediately, keeps up her "prepared childbirth" breathing. The doors, held open, bounce against her grip a couple of times, buzzing.)
ROGER
Is she okay?
ADELE
I don't know. Are you okay, Honey?
(JESSICA relaxes her grasp on the doors as her contraction ends, focuses on ADELE, and steps all the way into the elevator. SHE's excited, nervous, a little embarrassed. The elevator doors slide closed as SHE speaks.)
JESSICA
Yeah. At least I think so. I'm in labor.
ADELE
Oh my. How exciting.
ROGER
(Nervously.)
Shouldn't you be at the hospital?
ADELE
That's probably where she's going, Roger.
JESSICA
Oh yeah. My husband's just bringing the car around front.
ADELE
Of course he is. That's just what a considerate husband would do.
(The lights flicker once or twice as the elevator bounces to a stop — unless the elevator set can be rigged on a movable platform, the actors will have to make this clear by their motions.)
ADELE
Oh my.
JESSICA
What is it? What's wrong?
ROGER
We're not moving.
ADELE
Oh my.
JESSICA
You mean we're stuck?
ROGER
Seems so.
(HE steps closer to the panel, pushes the first floor button, pauses. Nothing happens. HE punches it a couple of times, harder. Nothing. Pushes another button — “Door Open.” The doors slide open, showing a brick wall.)
Yep. Definitely. We're stuck.
JESSICA
Oh no!
ADELE
Now don't panic, Honey.
JESSICA
But I'm in labor!
ADELE
I know, Honey, but there's nothing to be gained by panicking.
JESSICA
But I'm having a baby!
ADELE
It'll be okay.
JESSICA
In an elevator!
ADELE
We won't be stuck long. You'll see.
JESSICA
I have to get to the hospital!
ADELE
Is this your first baby?
JESSICA
Yes. They're holding the birthing room for me!
ADELE
First babies take forever to come.
JESSICA
Dr. Mannheim is meeting us there.
ADELE
With my first, I was in labor for eighteen hours.
ROGER
You make it sound like a girdle ad.
JESSICA
I've been in labor for nineteen hours already.
ADELE
Oh my.
JESSICA
And Dr. Mannheim hates it when his patients are late.
ROGER
Well, in that case, maybe he'll come fix the elevator.
ADELE
Just don't panic. You mustn't panic. Roger, do something more constructive than making stupid jokes.
ROGER
Do something! Do what, I'd like to know?
ADELE
I don't know. Something.
(To Jessica.)
Now you just relax, ... uh .... What is your name?
JESSICA
Jessica. Jessica Marino.
ADELE
Okay, Jessica, Honey, you just relax!
(To Roger)
Haven't you done anything yet?
ROGER
What exactly do you expect me to do?
(Aside, as HE starts pushing buttons on the panel, at random and to no effect.)
I'm a dentist, for christsake. Not a damned mechanic.
ADELE
(Speaking to Jessica and ignoring Roger)
How far apart are your contractions?
ROGER
(Still muttering, still pushing buttons, more rapidly now.)
Don't know a damned thing about elevators. Teeth, yes. Drills, yes. Lifts on dental chairs, yes.
JESSICA
Five minutes, I think.
(The doors slide shut as ROGER continues to poke all the buttons in turn.)
ROGER
Elevators, no. Not a damned thing.
ADELE
(Doubtfully.)
Five minutes? Well that's okay, I should think. Probably quite a while till the baby comes. Roger! Haven't you done anything yet?
ROGER
Certainly I have. I have pushed every button on this panel except “Emergency Stop.” Do you want me to try that one too?
(HE pushes one last button, savagely)
There! Satisfied?
ADELE
Push the “Alarm” button.
ROGER
I have pushed the “Alarm” button. I have pushed the “Alarm” button several times. As far as I can tell, it works about as well as the damned elevator! The only buttons that work are “Door Open” and “Door Close.” Which is just as well. Get some air in here.
(HE pushes “Door Open” again. The doors slide open. ROGER turns back to his argument with ADELE, not noticing that the doors open a little less than fully, then slide closed on their own. JESSICA gets another contraction. SHE cups her arms around her stomach, leans on the back wall of the elevator, focuses on a spot on the doors, and resumes her childbirth breathing. Neither ADELE nor ROGER notice this; they are too busy arguing.)
ADELE
Honestly, Roger, it can't be broken. They check these things.
ROGER
I tell you, Adele, it's broken.
ADELE
Maybe it's just stuck. Maybe if you push harder.
ROGER
Harder? Harder? You want me to push harder?
(HE turns back to the panel, pushes one of the buttons as hard as HE can, leaning his whole body into it and grimacing.)
There. There! You hear any alarm? You hear any sign of help on the way? You hear anything at all? Other than a few blood vessels in your husband's face popping from the effort?
ADELE
It probably rings somewhere else. It probably rings at the doorman's desk, or the super's apartment, or something.
ROGER
Oh, yes, of course it must. It can't possibly be broken. And why can't it possibly be broken? Because my wife, Adele, says so. You hear that, alarm? Adele says you're not allowed to be broken. So you'd better shape up fast. Why don't you just tell the elevator it's not allowed to be broken?
(Turning to JESSICA.)
Am I right, Lady? Don't you think ...? Christ, you okay, Lady?
ADELE
She's having another contraction.
ROGER
Already? She just had one.
ADELE
That was several minutes ago. Five minutes.
ROGER
That was no five minutes.
ADELE
Well, four and a half, maybe.
ROGER
Adele, this woman is having a baby!
ADELE
I know, Roger. She's having a baby, and we're stuck in an elevator.
ROGER
It didn't last this long last time.
ADELE
What last time? We've never been stuck in an elevator before.
ROGER
Her construction.
ADELE
Contraction. It's called a contraction.
(JESSICA's contraction ends. She relaxes, focuses on the others, looking scared.)
ROGER
Whatever. You okay, Lady?
JESSICA
I think so. I ... that was different from the others.
ROGER
(To ADELE.)
See? I told you it was longer.
JESSICA
And harder.
ADELE
(Nervously, pushing past Roger.)
Let me try that “Alarm” button. It has to work!
ROGER
We might try yelling. All together. Somebody might hear us.
JESSICA
There's a phone. Behind the panel. It swings out somehow.
(ADELE tries tentatively to open the panel. ROGER pushes her aside.)
ROGER
Here. You'd better let me try. You worry about breaking a nail at a time like this, I'm going to end up delivering this baby. Look at this. It says right here, "Phone."
ADELE
Well, if you'd looked, you would have ....
ROGER
If someone had given me time to look, instead of yelling at me to do something. Hard to think with you wailing away like ....
(He gets the panel open, grabs the phone.)
Hello? Hello? Anybody there? ... Thank god. Yes . ... Yes, we're stuck on one of the elevators . ... Three of us. There's three of us here, and one of us is.... What?
(To JESSICA and ADELE.)
I can barely hear him. There's some loony yelling bloody hell in the ....
(Into phone.)
Yes. Yes, that's her.
(To JESSICA.)
You're Mrs. Marino, right?
(JESSICA nods. ROGER speaks into phone.)
ROGER (Continued)
Yeah. She's here. ... She's okay, but she's .... Well, if you know, why haven't you gotten us out? ...
(To Jessica)
Stupid doorman already knew you must be stuck in the elevator and that you're in labor. So why ...?
(Into the phone.)
Yes? ... Yes, it's still me. Who'd you think it was? Bill Clinton? ... What do you mean you'll get us out as soon as you can find Chuck? Who the hell is Chuck?
ADELE
Chuck must be her husband. How sweet.
JESSICA
No, Chuck's the super.
ROGER
(To ADELE and JESSICA.)
Even better. We don't need her husband. We need someone who can get us out of here. We need Chuck. Her husband probably doesn't know any more about elevators than I do.
(Into the phone.)
So what's the delay? Get Chuck.
JESSICA
Richard probably knows more than Chuck. Chuck is an idiot.
ADELE
Oh my.
ROGER
Well, call him at the restaurant!
(To JESSICA and ADELE.)
He can't fix it, he can't call a mechanic unless Chuck okays it, and Chuck is out to dinner.
(Into phone.)
What was that? I couldn't quite catch .... Can you tell that asshole who's yelling to shut up? I mean, I can't ... . Oh.
(To JESSICA.)
That's no asshole. That's your husband.
(Into phone.)
Okay, okay. But get a move on! Find Chuck!
(HE hangs up.)
JESSICA
Chuck is the owner's niece's husband or something. He sure didn't get the job on account of his smarts. I just hope he's not too drunk when they ....
(SHE stops abruptly, holds her stomach, and goes into her childbirth breathing again.)
ADELE
Oh my!
ROGER
(Nervously, to ADELE.)
That's no five minutes since the last one.
ADELE
No. No, it's not. Oh my, oh my. What are we going to do?
ROGER
Do? Do! We've already done everything we can, Adele. We made sure someone knows we're in here. Nothing more we can do. Not a damned thing! We're stuck in a goddamned elevator, for christsake.
ADELE
There must be something we can do.
ROGER
What? What can we do? Boil water? Call the doctor? Maybe you could take a correspondence course in midwifery so you can deliver this damned kid!
ADELE
Don't curse the baby! Its mother will hear.
ROGER
She's not listening. She's not paying any attention to us. She's just breathing. In. Out. In. Out. She's using up all the air in here. There won't be enough for you and me soon.
ADELE
Well, open the doors, Roger. There's something you can do. Open the doors.
ROGER
I thought I already .... Guess I didn't. Open the doors. Right.
(HE pushes “Door Open.” The doors slide about three-quarters of the way open, then shut.)
Oh wonderful.
(HE and the doors repeat the sequence.)
Just wonderful. Now the doors won't open. We can suffocate in here.
ADELE
Don't be silly, Roger. We're not going to suffocate. It's not like the elevator is hermetically sealed.
ROGER
No, but it doesn't let in all that much air, and she's breathing more than her share.
(To JESSICA, who doesn't notice.)
Stop breathing so damned much. You're using up all the air.
ADELE
Honestly, Roger. The poor girl is just trying to control the pain.
ROGER
It's getting stuffy in here already. Don't you feel it? There's not enough air in here for her to breath like that.
ADELE
Every time you open the doors it lets in more air, even if they won't stay open.
ROGER
Right. Right. Keep opening 'em. Get some air in here.
(HE does so, not noticing that they open a little less this time.)
JESSICA
(As her contraction ends.)
They're getting harder. Oh god, they're getting harder!
ADELE
Now don't fret, Honey. I'm sure they'll get us out of here soon.
JESSICA
But what if they don't? What if the baby comes before Chuck? What if they can't get us out right away even when Chuck does come?
ADELE
That's not going to happen. Is it, Roger? You're going to be fine. We're all going to be fine.
ROGER
Fine, fine. We're all going to be fine. Long as we don't run out of air with you breathing so deep.
JESSICA
What are you talking about?
ADELE
Oh, don't you mind Roger. He's a little claustrophobic.
ROGER
Claustrophobic my ass! It's getting stuffy in here, Adele, and she's using up more air than the two of us put together!
ADELE
Honestly, Roger! Just listen to yourself! There's plenty of air in here. Open the doors again if you're feeling paranoid about it.
ROGER
(Aside, as HE turns to the buttons.)
Claustrophobic! Hah!
(HE opens the door again, and again the opening is a bit smaller.)
JESSICA
It's the prepared childbirth breathing. I'm supposed to breathe like that during the contractions. That's what they taught me! I had to take classes to learn to breath like that!
ROGER
(Still fiddling with the buttons, still with less and less of a result.)
Paranoid! Hah!
ADELE
I know, Dear. I remember those classes. Roger took them with me, even if he doesn't remember.
JESSICA
It really has helped. Up to now, at least. But they're getting harder!
ADELE
It'll be alright, Dear. You're doing fine. You're still on the first breathing pattern, aren't you?
JESSICA
Yeah.
ADELE
I thought so. It has been a while.
ROGER
These doors are opening a little less every time, Adele. Every time there's less air coming in! Pretty soon, they won't open at all.
ADELE
Well, prop them open or something.
(Aside, to Jessica.)
Men!
ROGER
Prop them open! Good idea, Adele! That's using the old gray matter! Prop them. Unh ....
(ROGER attempts to do so during the conversation between ADELE and JESSICA that follows. HE looks around the elevator, reaches a hand tentatively towards ADELE's purse, but SHE refuses with a gesture, clutching it more tightly. ROGER then pats his pockets. All HE can come up with is a ball-point pen. Standing in front of the panel, he pushes “Door Open,” takes a step to the doors, and crouches to position the pen at the bottom of the gap, but he's too slow. After another try or two, increasingly frantic, he gives up crouching and tries to position the pen at chest height, holding it out as he pushes the button. He gets the timing right, but the positioning is wrong and he lets go too soon. The pen falls down the crack outside the elevator. Despair. More patting of pockets. He finds a pencil. HE tries again, this time holding onto the pencil until the doors have closed enough to wedge it firmly into place. ROGER allows himself a smirk of success, which vanishes instantly as the pencil cracks in two and both pieces — despite his desperate grabs — fall down the crack. More despair. Further patting of pockets. All he can come up with is an obviously expensive pen. HE hesitates, but decides to risk it. HE pushes “Door Open,” springs over to place the pen, but the door hasn't opened quite wide enough. On the second try HE catches the edge of the door before it quite closes, pulls with all his might, and succeeds in getting it open far enough to prop the pen in place. HE steps back proudly to contemplate his success.
Meanwhile ....)
JESSICA
I've been kind of scared about this birth business anyway, you know?
ADELE
Oh, of course. We all feel that way. Especially the first time!
JESSICA
And now to be stuck like this!
ADELE
Well, don't you worry about that. They know you're in here.
JESSICA
I mean, I've had all kinds of nightmares about all the stuff that could go wrong. But I never even thought of this.
ADELE
I'm sure they've got somebody working on it right now.
JESSICA
I've worried about me dying. Or the baby dying.
ADELE
They don't want the baby being born in here either.
JESSICA
I've worried about the baby being deformed.
ADELE
I just know they'll have us out any minute.
JESSICA
I've worried about whether I was going to need a C-section and if Richard would still love me with a scar on my stomach.
ADELE
All pregnant women worry. It's normal.
JESSICA
I've worried that my baby might be ugly and I wouldn't love it.
ADELE
All babies are beautiful to their mothers.
JESSICA
This friend of mine had a baby that was real ugly. She was in labor for two days and he had a head like a banana.
ADELE
Oh, lots of babies have funny-shaped heads at first. And they're all blue and wrinkley. But they turn normal pretty fast.
JESSICA
Oh I know their heads round off and they dewrinkle. But sometimes they're still ugly. I'm not sure I could love an ugly baby. Even if it was mine.
ADELE
Of course you will, Jessica. All mothers think their babies are the cutest thing on earth! Why, even Ross Perot's mother thought he was cute.
JESSICA
But what if I .... Oh god, here it comes!
(SHE goes into her breathing again.)
ADELE
Oh my! Oh, Roger, it's another one!
ROGER
What! Already?
ADELE
Roger, we have to do something!
(SHE grabs at his arm in her panic. HE shakes her off, straightens the jacket where SHE's pulled it awry, then puts an arm around her shoulder to comfort her.)
ROGER
Now, Adele, don't you get hysterical on me. You're no help to me or to her if you ....
(In his attempt to soothe ADELE as SHE waves her arms around excitedly, ROGER bumps against the wedged pen, which falls down into the crack. The doors slide shut inexorably. ROGER loses it.)
Shit! Look what you've done, Woman! Now you've really done it! This time you've really done it! Now we'll suffocate for sure!
(There's a trilling sound, which continues during the following.)
ADELE
Roger! Pull yourself together!
ROGER
I have nothing left to prop that door open with! Absolutely nothing! And that was my good pen! My last pen! So now we'll suffocate and I can't even write my last will and testament!
ADELE
We are not going to suffocate!
ROGER
And she's breathing like that again! Make her stop breathing like that!
ADELE
Roger, come on now!
ROGER
We are going to die in here, and it's all your fault! Yours and this ... this ... this oxygen thief!
(HE goes to attack JESSICA, restrained by ADELE. JESSICA takes a step away but continues her breathing.)
You hear that! Oxygen thief! Air hog! That's my share of the air you're breathing right now!
ADELE
Roger! Now stop it. Just stop it this instant!
(SHE slaps him across the face. HE steps back, startled, rubbing his cheek.)
ROGER
Ow! What'd you do that for?
ADELE
You were getting hysterical!
ROGER
I never get hysterical. I ... what's that noise? Oh, it's the phone.
(HE grabs it.)
Hello? ... Hello? ... Yes, we're still here. Where exactly did you think we might have gone?
(To ADELE.)
He wants to know if we're still here! Asshole!
(Into the phone)
What is it, you blithering idiot! Have you found Chuck?
(To ADELE.)
He's found Chuck.
(Into the phone.)
Is he there? Is he working on it? ... Oh, good. Good.
(To ADELE.)
He's already in the basement working on it!
(Into phone.)
You have what? ... A message for us from Chuck?
(To ADELE.)
Probably a time estimate. How long it'll take to get us out.
(Into phone.)
We should just hang on and stop ... what was that? ... Stop dropping writing implements on his head.
ADELE
Writing implements?
ROGER
Yes. Well, you tell Chuck we'll do that.
ADELE
Roger, what time is it?
ROGER
Time? What time is it? Have you lost the few marbles you had, Woman? What time is it? What? Are you worried about missing some goddamned TV show?
ADELE
We should be timing her contractions, Roger. We should be keeping track of how far apart they are.
ROGER
Oh. 9:22. It's 9:22:03.
(Into phone.)
Hey, you! Speedy! ... Yeah, I'm talking to you! ... You better call an ambulance, 'cause this lady is not going to make it to the hospital when Chuck gets us out of here.
(HE hangs up.)
ADELE
9:22. Okay. Don't you worry, Jessica. Roger and I will keep track from now on.
ROGER
You do have a watch, you know, Adele. I gave you a watch for your birthday last month. Even you can't have lost or broken it already.
ADELE
It's going to be okay, Jessica. They're calling an ambulance for you.
ROGER
I can see it on your wrist. It's a battery watch so you can't have forgotten to wind it!
ADELE
Yes, Roger, I have a watch. But it's analog, not digital, and it doesn't have a second hand, so it's hard to time things with it.
(To Jessica.)
They'll have us out of here soon.
ROGER
Well, you should have said something. I'd have been glad to return it and get a better one.
ADELE
Honestly, Roger, it's a perfectly lovely watch for normal purposes. How often do I need to ....
(JESSICA's breathing changes to a series of rapid pants. ADELE and ROGER both stop and look at HER.)
ROGER
What is it? What's the matter with her? Is she okay?
ADELE
It's the next breathing pattern, I think.
ROGER
The next breathing pattern?
ADELE
I think so. You remember those breathing exercises for natural childbirth. I think that's what it is.
ROGER
You think! You think! Don't you know? Don't you remember? We have two kids!
ADELE
I don't remember. It was a long time ago.
ROGER
Shit! She's using up even more air now. You realize that? How long does this go on? Do you remember that?
JESSICA
(As her contraction ends SHE looks at the others in panic.)
They're getting harder!
ADELE
(Still to ROGER.)
Anyway, you were there too. At the classes and at both births. Why should I be the one to remember?
ROGER
(Sarcastically.)
I beg your pardon. I was under the impression that you were the one in labor, the one doing the breathing. I was told so at the time.
ADELE
And you were supposed to be my coach. If you'd paid half as much attention to me as to that nurse in the tight ....
JESSICA
Stop it, you two! Just stop it!
(ADELE and ROGER both freeze and look at her.)
It's bad enough having my baby in an elevator without having to listen to you two being nasty!
ROGER
Nasty? Nasty! Well, I like that!
ADELE
Oh, Sweetie, we're sorry. We don't want to upset you.
ROGER
Nasty? Me?
ADELE
Why don't you sit down till they get us out. Maybe you'll be more comfortable.
ROGER
Maybe Adele's been a bit on the bitchy side, but me?
JESSICA
I don't want to sit down!
ADELE
Oh, not if you don't want to.
ROGER
I've been a model of good manners, I have.
JESSICA
I want to go to the hospital!
ADELE
(Putting an arm around JESSICA comfortingly.)
Of course you do.
ROGER
Helpful, too. Well, as far as circumstances have permitted.
JESSICA
I want my doctor!
ADELE
Who wouldn't?
ROGER
Adele slaps me for no reason.
JESSICA
I want my husband!
ADELE
That's only natural.
ROGER
You use up all the air with that blasted panting.
JESSICA
I don't want my baby born in an elevator!
ADELE
Of course not!
ROGER
And now you start calling me names!
JESSICA
I don't want my baby born without Richard here.
ADELE
Of course you don't.
ROGER
Abused, that's what I am. Abused by my own wife and by a not-so-perfect stranger! You have abused me!
JESSICA
(As another contraction begins, SHE leans more heavily on Adele)
Oh no!
ROGER
Oh yes! Yes, you have. You have abused me. Yelled at me, called me names, hogged my share of oxygen. And I've shown considerable restraint, I have. I've been a perfect gentleman!
ADELE
Roger! She's having another!
ROGER
What! Already?
ADELE
What time?
ROGER
Time? Oh, right, time. Oh, it's 9:24:10.
ADELE
That's only two minutes.
ROGER
And seven seconds. But she shouldn't be having another one so soon.
ADELE
Well, she is! Help me.
ROGER
Help you? Help you what? You're not having the baby!
ADELE
I can't support her.
ROGER
Surely that's up to her husband.
ADELE
Help me hold her up!
ROGER
Oh. Oh yes. I see.
(He slips an arm around Jessica from the other side.)
There. That better?
ADELE
Some. Hang in there, Jessica.
ROGER
That's right, Mrs. Marino. You're doing just fine. I say, Adele, she's pretty heavy for such a little girl.
ADELE
Well, what do you expect! She's nine months pregnant.
ROGER
Just making conversation, Adele. Just talking. Keep it up, Mrs. M. Doin' great.
ADELE
Honestly, Roger, this is no time for idle conversation.
ROGER
Right, Adele. Whatever you say. No idle conversation .... Serious conversation.
ADELE
Roger!
ROGER
Okay, okay. No conversation. ... Just the occasional encouraging word. ... Lookin' good, Mrs. M. ... I say, Adele, how long do these things last?
ADELE
I don't know. One minute? Two?
ROGER
Seems at least that long. Can't see my watch from here.
ADELE
Seems forever!
ROGER
She is breathing a lot. Lot of air being used.
ADELE
Forget about the air.
ROGER
Still, still, she's breathing for two, you know. You look at it that way, she's entitled to twice as much air as you or me.
ADELE
Honestly, Roger, have you ever heard of somebody suffocating in an elevator?
ROGER
Well, they'd hush it up, wouldn't they? Landlords, elevator companies. They wouldn't let it come out.
(JESSICA's contraction ends, and she stands up more, pulling away from ROGER and ADELE.)
How're you doing, Lady?
JESSICA
(Close to hysteria.)
It's coming. Oh god, my baby's going to be born in an elevator. I can't stand it!
ROGER
Sit down, why don't you? Maybe you'd better sit down. I'm not sure my back'll take another one of those contractions.
JESSICA
Your back? What about my back?
ADELE
(Soothingly.)
You're right, of course, Jessica. We know your back must hurt worse.
ROGER
For christsake, Lady, I just don't want to dump you accidentally in the middle of one of those things.
ADELE
Maybe you'd be more comfortable sitting anyway.
ROGER
Yeah. Or crouching. Isn't that how they have babies in China, crouching by the side of the rice paddy? Or was it India?
ADELE
Roger! This isn't some third world country, and Mrs. Marino isn't some peasant woman!
ROGER
Come off it, Adele. I'm just trying to be helpful. It's supposed to make it easier. I read some article in National Geographic or someplace. It makes the baby come faster.
JESSICA
I don't want the baby to come faster! Not till I'm out of here!
ADELE
Of course not, Dear. Roger's not thinking clearly. As usual.
JESSICA
And I don't want to sit on that floor. It's filthy.
ROGER
Yes, yes it is, rather. I'd noticed that.
ADELE
Roger, put your jacket down.
ROGER
On the floor?
ADELE
Yes, Dear.
ROGER
But it's filthy!
ADELE
I know, Dear, but you can get it cleaned. She needs to sit down.
ROGER
But this is my favorite suit!
ADELE
Honestly, Roger, this poor woman needs to sit on something!
(JESSICA gets another contraction, clutches at ADELE and ROGER, who stagger slightly before finding a good balance.)
ROGER
Here we go again.
ADELE
Well, if you'd done as I asked you ....
ROGER
(Sulkily.)
Why not your jacket? I ask you that. Why my jacket?
ADELE
Because I'm not wearing one.
ROGER
Some other item of your clothing, then. Why my favorite jacket
ADELE
Surely you don't want me to strip off my dress?
ROGER
I don't see why not. It probably cost less than my suit.
ADELE
I think not, Dear. And I have no intention of being found in my underwear when they finally get us out of here.
ROGER
Maybe this asshole Chuck'd get a move on if he thought he was going to find a half-naked woman when he got here.
ADELE
You're disgusting, Roger. Absolutely disgusting.
ROGER
Well, Chuck's never seen you half-naked. Doesn't know he's not missing anything.
ADELE
You ... you .... Oh, just shut up.
ROGER
Shut up. Give up my jacket. Go to your friends' parties. Whatever you say, Adele. Whatever you say.
(ROGER, in one angry movement, pulls away from JESSICA, and starts to take off his suit jacket. JESSICA, still in the midst of her childbirth breathing, stumbles more heavily against ADELE, and both women nearly lose their balance.)
ADELE
(Shrieking.)
Roger!
ROGER
(Seeing what's happening and grabbing at the pair to balance them.)
Whoa! Hang on there. Hang on.
ADELE
What on earth do you think you're doing!
ROGER
Taking my damned jacket off for this damned preggo to sit on. Like you told me to.
ADELE
Not in the middle of a contraction, Roger. Wait till she's done.
ROGER
You didn't say that, Adele. That wasn't the instruction you gave me.
ADELE
Honestly, Roger, if you'd use just a little common sense!
ROGER
I follow orders, Adele. Twenty-four years of marriage. I've been trained to follow orders.
ADELE
Well, if you'd taken it off when I first told you she needed to sit down!
ROGER
(Sarcastically)
My fault, Adele. My fault, as usual.
JESSICA
(As her contraction ends.)
Oh my god, this is awful!
ADELE
(Solicitously)
Oh, Jessica, Sweetie, I know it's hard. But you're doing just fine.
ROGER
Fine indeed. Better than the rest of us at any rate.
(He steps slightly away from the clustered women, straightens his jacket, loosens his tie.)
The rest of us are getting a bit hysterical here. Just a wee bit.
ADELE
(Threateningly)
Roger!
ROGER
(Somewhat defensively.)
Well, you are! You can't deny it, Adele. Aren't I right, Lady? Isn't she ....
(There is a loud clang and — if possible — the elevator shakes. ADELE and JESSICA shriek and grab at one another, while ROGER grabs the phone.)
Hey! ... Hey, you there, Mr. Dynamo! ... What the hell was that? ... Oh.
(To ADELE and JESSICA.)
ROGER (Continued)
It's Chuck fixing it.
(Into the phone.)
Why the fuck is this taking so long? Don't you know there's a ... No, I don't know what floor we're on. ... I know there're little lights above the door, but none of them are lit. ... Well, can't Chuck look up and see where we are? ...
(To JESSICA.)
What floor did you get on from?
JESSICA
Seven. I live on seven.
ROGER
(Into phone.)
We're somewhere between seven and the lowest circle of hell.
(Aside.)
Which is where I'd like to see you and Chuck!
JESSICA
I want my husband. Let me talk to Richard.
ROGER
Mrs. Marino wants to talk to her husband. Put him on. ... He's where? ... Oh.
(To JESSICA.)
He's outside arguing with the traffic cop who's trying to tow your car.
(Into the phone.)
Didn't he tell him his wife's having a baby in the elevator? ... I see.
(To JESSICA.)
They already had it hooked up to the tow truck before Richard noticed. I guess he was too busy yelling at Fast Freddy the Doorman.
(Into the phone.)
Well have him call when he gets back inside. Better still, get us outside, and I'll go argue with the cop for him.
(Hangs up.)
Don't worry, Lady. Even a New York City cop can't be heartless enough to tow your car at a time like this. And the ambulance is on the way anyway.
ADELE
Don't you worry, Jessica. I'm sure they'll have us out of here any minute. Roger! The jacket.
ROGER
(Muttering.)
I was hoping you'd forgotten that.
ADELE
Honestly, Roger, don't you have a shred of decency?
ROGER
(Taking his jacket off resentfully.)
Alright, alright, Adele.
JESSICA
Oh, it's okay. I'll be okay standing.
ADELE
Don't be silly, Jessica. He can get the stupid thing cleaned, anyway.
JESSICA
Well, if you're sure ....
ROGER
(Spreading his jacket on the floor grudgingly.)
My wife says it's okay, and if twenty-four years of marriage have taught me anything, they've taught me that arguing with Adele is a waste of breath.
ADELE
Help her sit down, Roger.
ROGER
(Assisting Jessica.)
Adele says the jacket will come clean, and even the jacket will know better than to disagree.
JESSICA
(By this time she's half-sitting, half-crouching, with her back to the audience, and with Roger crouching at her side.)
Something's happening. Something's happening! ... Oh!
(SHE goes into another contraction, her pants interspersed with groans.)
ROGER
She's peed on my jacket!
ADELE
It's her water. Her water's broken.
ROGER
Her what? Her what's broken?
ADELE
Her water. The amniotic fluid.
ROGER
(Sarcastically.)
The amniotic fluid. Oh, well, that's different. That's completely all right then.
ADELE
Honestly, Roger, don't you remember anything?
ROGER
Sounds much better to the dry cleaner, doesn't it? Can you get this amniotic fluid out of my jacket?
ADELE
Don't you remember when Charlotte was born?
ROGER
(Still addressing the imagined cleaner.)
Oh, yes, it's amniotic fluid and grime from the floor of the elevator. Some strange woman gave birth on it.
ADELE
Roger, forget the jacket! Don't you remember when my water broke when Charlotte was born?
ROGER
But it's my favorite .... Oh yes. I do remember. Yes indeed. At my mother's house, after Sunday dinner.
ADELE
On her brand new sofa.
ROGER
Oh yes. She couldn't tell if she was happy about the baby or upset about the sofa.
ADELE
Or embarrassed that it happened in front of your father.
ROGER
Oh yes. He had no idea babies could be so sloppy.
ADELE
Not even after they were born, let alone before.
JESSICA
Oh god, oh god, oh GOD!
ROGER
(Ignoring her.)
Poor old Dad. You did startle him.
ADELE
I know for a fact your father never once changed a diaper. Your mother told me when she saw you changing Charlotte's.
ROGER
Not true! Not true! I coaxed him into changing Mark's once.
ADELE
No?
JESSICA
Oh god, it hurts. Oh god, I want Richard!
ROGER
Oh yes. Mark peed in his face.
ADELE
Oh my. How did I ever miss that?
ROGER
You weren't there. Dad and I were watching the kids.
ADELE
You and your dad were watching our kids? When? Where was I? Where was your mother?
ROGER
Don't recall. No idea. Charlotte was about three. I do remember that. And Mark was pretty small.
ADELE
It's not like I ever hung around with your mother. Not any more than I had to.
ROGER
You must have that afternoon. You definitely weren't there.
JESSICA
This isn't fair, god! Why should it hurt like this?
ADELE
Unless it was one of your cousins' showers.
ROGER
Right! You're absolutely right. I remember now. Diana's wedding shower.
ADELE
I remember that shower. I remember that wedding.
JESSICA
Oh god, oh shit, oh god!
(As her contraction ends, SHE collapses against Roger's legs and looks down at the jacket.)
Oh god, I'm sorry. I've ruined your jacket.
ADELE
(Graciously.)
Don't you worry about that stupid old jacket. It's not important. Your comfort at a time like this, that's what's important. Right, Roger?
ROGER
(Considerably less graciously.)
Oh yes.
ADELE
I never liked that suit of his anyway. So impractical, a white suit. Even for summer.
ROGER
(To himself.)
My favorite suit.
ADELE
I always thought it made him look like an ice-cream vendor.
ROGER
Oh yes. Me too. An ice cream vendor. Hah!
JESSICA
Richard had a white suit for our wedding.
ADELE
Oh, well, a wedding is different.
ROGER
(To himself, but loud enough to be heard.)
Oh yes, indeed. Beginning of slavery, that's what it is. An ice cream vendor!
ADELE
I just love weddings.
JESSICA
I loved my wedding. Richard was there for our wedding. In white.
ADELE
Roger wore a morning suit for our wedding.
ROGER
Morning suit, indeed. If I'd known what I was getting myself into, I'd've been in mourning. An ice cream vendor!
JESSICA
Richard had a white tux.
ADELE
Oh, nobody did that twenty-four years ago!
JESSICA
Twenty-four years! Wow! You're almost up to your silver anniversary.
ROGER
If we make it. Which I'm beginning to doubt. My favorite suit! An ice cream vendor.
ADELE
Yes. Almost. Still, I don't expect anybody will make much fuss over it.
ROGER
Do you know what it is? Do you know why you don't like this suit, Adele? I know. I've just realized it.
ADELE
How long have you been married? If you don't mind my asking.
JESSICA
Six months.
RICHARD
I look damned good in this suit. That's why you don't like it.
ADELE
Six months? Oh my.
RICHARD
Men age better than women. It's a known fact. But you, Adele, can't stand to be reminded of it. You're jealous of how young I look in this suit.
ADELE
Don't be ridiculous, Roger. You look like a middle-aged ice cream vendor in that suit.
(JESSICA begins another contraction, but ADELE and ROGER, standing on either side of her, don't even notice.)
ROGER
I had a white suit years ago that you liked, that you picked out!
JESSICA
(Whimpering to herself between pants.)
It hurts.
ADELE
I don't know what suit you mean. I never picked out a white suit for you. I never even shop for clothes with you. You're impossible to shop with!
ROGER
You did. Oh yes, you did. We bought it at Gimbel's. I distinctly remember you pulling the white one off the rack.
(HE imitates ADELE'S intonation.)
"Try this one" you said. "Ain't it kind of light?" I said. "Not for summer" you said.
JESSICA
(A little louder.)
It's not fair that it hurts.
ADELE
Gimbel's? Gimbel's has been closed for years and years.
ROGER
I know that, Woman. That's why I no longer have that white suit. Now I have this white suit. Or I did till you let some pregnant stranger break her water all over it.
JESSICA
(Chanting between pants. She keeps this up through the rest of this contraction, volume rising and falling. ROGER and ADELE continue to ignore her.)
It ... hurts. ... No ... fair. ... It ... hurts. ... No ... fair.
ADELE
A white suit? I picked out a white suit? In Gimbel's?
ROGER
You did! You did indeed! You told me a light-colored suit was just the thing for summer parties, and we had a bunch of them that summer. Parties, weddings, dinner dances.
ADELE
I do remember having a real busy social calendar one summer. Years ago.
ROGER
That's it! That's the year you made me buy a white suit.
ADELE
I know it was odd. Summer's usually such a dull time of year. Everybody's out of town. But I don't remember .... Oh my, oh ....
ROGER
You remember now. I know you do.
ADELE
That wasn't really a white suit. It was tan. A light tan, perhaps, but definitely tan, not white.
ROGER
It was white.
ADELE
Light tan. You wore it to my nephew's graduation.
ROGER
I wore it to Mark's christening.
JESSICA
(As her contraction ends, she mutters.)
This was all Richard's idea!
ADELE
And to Diana's wedding. We were just talking about Diana's wedding.
ROGER
No, we were just talking about Diana's shower. I was at the wedding.
ADELE
Yes, I recall that wedding.
JESSICA
I didn't want this baby.
ROGER
I was at that wedding in my white suit.
ADELE
It was a tan suit, Roger. Several shades darker than this one. Do you remember after that wedding?
JESSICA
(SHE's getting louder.)
Richard wanted a baby.
ROGER
Off-white, perhaps. But not ... After? Oh, yes. Yes, I do remember.
(HE snickers.)
Some night.
ADELE
Mmm. We were both a little plastered.
JESSICA
And where are you now, Richard?
ROGER
We'd left the kids at your parents.
ADELE
We almost got a third kid out of that wedding.
JESSICA
(By now SHE's yelling, but ROGER and ADELE are too absorbed in their reminiscences to notice.)
Where are you now that I need you?
ROGER
I'm a little plastered right now.
ADELE
Me too.
ROGER
Charlotte's at college.
ADELE
Mark's staying over at Adam's.
JESSICA
I didn't get knocked up by myself, you know!
ROGER
We could pick up a bottle of champagne on the way home.
ADELE
We could leave all the lamps off and light candles, like we used to.
ROGER
Mmm. And we could ....
(HE whispers in ADELE's ear and SHE giggles.)
JESSICA
That's it! You're not here. I'm not having this baby!
ADELE
And then we could ....
(SHE whispers in ROGER's ear. He loosens his tie.)
ROGER
Oh yeah.
JESSICA
The baby's off. I want a divorce. I'm going home to my mother. I ....
(The lights go off. JESSICA shrieks. There is no response from ADELE and ROGER.)
JESSICA
What is it? What's happening? ... Hello? ... Where are you? ... Oh god, where did they go?
(The lights flicker back on. ROGER and ADELE are locked in a passionate embrace.)
JESSICA
Cut that out! Cut that out this instant!
ADELE
Oh. Sorry. We just — uh — we got a little ....
JESSICA
You can't do that in here! At your age! It's gross!
ROGER
At our age? What do you mean, at our age?
ADELE
And gross? What do you mean, gross? I'll have you know, young lady, there is nothing gross about two people ....
(There is a loud clanging sound.)
JESSICA
(Taking no notice of the noise as SHE interrupts.)
Yes, gross! Fooling around like that at a time like this! You're too old for that kind of thing anyway. And here I am ....
(Metal is heard to squeal against metal.)
ROGER
(Interrupting in turn.)
Shut up a minute! Both of you!
ADELE
Honestly, Roger!
JESSICA
You can't talk to me like that, you old pervert! Wait till Richard gets his ....
ROGER
Would you shut up and listen!
(Various odd metallic/mechanical noises are heard.)
JESSICA
Are we moving? I think we're moving!
ADELE
I don't know if we're moving, but we're definitely vibrating.
ROGER
(Grabbing the phone.)
Hello? ... Hello? ... How are we doing? ... We're moving! We're really moving! You'll have us out when? ... Any minute now?
(To ADELE and JESSICA.)
Any minute now!
(Into phone.)
About time! I've a good mind to .... Hey, who is this? This isn't Slow Joe, the turtle speed doorman I've been talking to. ... Chuck! You're Chuck! Snail-paced Chuck, the super from hell! ... Yes, that is what I said. You wanna make something of it? ... Well, you'll have to get me out of here first, won't you? ...
(JESSICA gets another contraction, grabs at ADELE's skirt, nearly pulling her over, and starts her panting. ROGER doesn't notice.)
Oh yeah? You throw a punch any faster than you fix an elevator? Cause if not, I'll have you decked before you ... .
JESSICA
I have to push! I have to push now!
ROGER
(Distracted from the phone.)
Push? Push what?
ADELE
No! It's the baby, Roger! Not now, Honey! Just hold on a few more minutes! She has to push the baby out! Not now, Jessica, Darling! Not yet!
ROGER
(Into the phone)
Never mind that now, you idiot! We've got a baby on the way in here. Is that ambulance there? ... Well tell them to leave it in the middle of the street and get in here! They can worry about steering around the tow truck later. ... They can't tow an ambulance away! Can they? ...
(To ADELE.)
Isn't she supposed to do something to keep from pushing? Cross her legs and whistle or something?
ADELE
There's something! But I can't remember.
(There's a loud thud from somewhere offstage. The elevator shakes.)
ROGER
(Into phone.)
What was that? ... What jammed again? ... Five minutes! We don't have five minutes! She has to push! ... Not my wife! Mrs. Marino! The baby's coming. ... Wait! Chuck! ... Who's this? ... You're Richard? Jessica's Richard? ... Where's Chuck? ... Tell her what? ...
(To ADELE.)
Blowing! That's what we couldn't remember! Blowing! Richard says she's supposed to blow through the contraction to keep from pushing!
ADELE
That's it! I remember now! Blow, Jessica Honey. Blow! Like blowing out a candle!
(JESSICA switches from panting to blowing. )
ROGER
(Away from the phone, at the doors, as there's a thud.)
Hello? ... Hello? ... Is somebody there?
(There's another thud. ROGER speaks into the phone.)
That's Chuck? He found us? ... So if we're stuck just above the lobby, what the hell took them so long? ... Okay, okay. ....
(He speaks to JESSICA, but she's still in the midst of a contraction and ignores him.)
The ambulance is here. There's a medical team waiting for you in the lobby.
ADELE
Thank god.
ROGER
(Into phone.)
What was that second thing? I didn't quite catch ....
(To JESSICA, as her contraction ends and she slumps against the back wall.)
I'm supposed to tell you Richard loves you.
ADELE
How sweet!
JESSICA
(Very upset.)
He did this to me! He got me into this! And now he isn't even here!
ADELE
Well, that's hardly his fault.
JESSICA
(SHE starts this speech yelling, gradually winding down to crying, then whimpering by the time she gets to the end.)
This was supposed to be such a wonderful experience! Richard said it would be one of the peak experiences of our lives. And I did everything I was supposed to! I took the damn classes and I read every fucking book and I practiced breathing till my lungs hurt. I interviewed six obstetricians and I reserved the birthing room and ... and ... and I packed my bag five weeks ago. I have a new nightgown and new slippers ... and a reproduction of Monet's water lilies to use as a focus point. And I have a cassette player and a tape of soothing music and lollipops in case my mouth gets dry ... and ice chips in a thermos ... and chap stick ... and a camera to record the birth ... and ... and ... and they're all in the lobby with Richard. And I'm stuck in an elevator, and it isn't supposed to be like this! This is the worst day of my life!
ADELE
(Sits next to her, puts an arm around her shoulder, tries to comfort her.)
It's gonna be okay, Sweetie. It's gonna be just fine, Jessica. They'll have us out in a jiffy.
ROGER
(Into the phone.)
Yes, Richard, she loves you too.
(HE hangs up.)
JESSICA
(As SHE gets another contraction.)
Oh, shit, not already!
ADELE
Oh, Roger, isn't there something more we can do?
ROGER
(Crouching down and taking JESSICA's hand.)
Come on, Mrs. M. Blow. Blow like you practiced it. That's what Richard would tell you if he was here.
(JESSICA blows. After a few breaths SHE lapses into whimpering, but ROGER gets her back on track.)
ADELE
Look how red she's getting! Is she okay?
ROGER
Sure. You're doing great, Girl. Just great. You got all red too, Adele. That's what happens.
ADELE
That red?
ROGER
Redder.
ADELE
How awful.
ROGER
Awful? Awful! Are you crazy, Woman? You're doing just fine, Jessica. Okay if I call you Jessica? Awful? Adele, you were as red as a beet, as red as a lobster, as red as Jess here is now, and I never saw you look lovelier than you did giving birth. That's it, Jess, just keep blowing. This one's almost over. This coaching is coming back to me. Awful my ass.
ADELE
Lovely?
JESSICA
Oh my god, I'm going to need a bathroom!
ROGER
Don't worry about it. You go ahead and pee on my jacket. You're doing just great.
JESSICA
I don't need to pee!
ADELE
(Panic-struck.)
You feel like you need to move your bowels?
JESSICA
I do need to!
ADELE
Roger, that's the baby's head she's feeling. I do remember that. That's exactly what it felt like. Oh, Roger, what are we going to do?
ROGER
We are doing everything we can. Keep blowing, Jess. Concentrate on the blowing!
ADELE
You have medical expertise. Isn't there something else you can do?
ROGER
For christsake, Adele, I'm a dentist, not an obstetrician!
(JESSICA's contraction ends. SHE collapses against ROGER, breathing hard, too exhausted to speak.)
ADELE
Well, just think of it as an extraction!
ROGER
An extraction! Woman, you have totally lost it. You're crazy. You did just fine that time, Jessie. Just fine. They'll have us out in no time.
(The elevator lurches. Again, if necessary, the actors will need to indicate this.)
There, they've got us moving again! Any second now.
CHUCK
(Faintly, from offstage.)
Try to get the doors open.
ROGER
The doors. Right. The doors.
(ROGER starts to clamber up. JESSICA clutches at him. HE transfers her grip gently to ADELE, pushes the “Door Open” button and the doors slide open partially. ROGER grabs an edge and pulls, resorting to a variety of contortions to get the door open. As HE struggles, the lights flicker out again.)
ADELE
Oh my! Not again!
JESSICA
(At the same time.)
Where are you? What's happening?
ROGER
(HIS voice is strained as he continues to struggle with the door.)
Any ... second ...
(The door gives way and opens completely. The elevator is still partially between floors. The bottom 18 inches or so look out onto the lit lobby. The top 6 feet or so is still blocked by a wall.)
... NOW! There!
(ROGER lets go hesitantly, but the doors stay open. As HE crouches and sticks his head out, the elevator lights flicker back on.)
JESSICA
Oh thank god!
ROGER
(Still sticking his head out, and looking down at the unseen people in the lobby.)
Whoa! Watch that first step, it's a doozy! ... Yeah, she's fine. Baby's not quite here yet. Any minute though. You the paramedics?
(To Jessica)
Ready, Mrs. M.? There's two EMS guys and one frantic new daddy out there. I can tell which one's Richard 'cause he's about to pass out.
(JESSICA, assisted by ADELE, clambers awkwardly to her feet. SHE first attempts to climb through the gap head first, but the opening is too low.)
ADELE
It's too small! She doesn't fit through!
ROGER
(Yelling out the door.)
Can't you get us down any farther ! It's not ... .
(The lights flicker out again, leaving ROGER, ADELE, and JESSICA silhouetted.)
... Shit! Not again.
JESSICA
Oh god! Here comes another one!
ADELE
Lay down! Lay on your side! Maybe we can sort of roll you out sideways!
ROGER
Right! Hey, you guys! Get ready to lift her down! Blow, Jessie! Blow for me, Girl!
(We see a confusion of figures moving, hear JESSICA's blowing. When the lights flicker on, SHE's on her side, trying to slide, derriere first, out through the door. SHE doesn't quite fit.)
ROGER
That's no good! Blow Jessie! She doesn't fit that way either, Adele! Come on, Jess, Girl! Good blowing! Don't fail me now!
ADELE
Feet first, Jessica Dear! Try feet first!
ROGER
Good idea! Feet first!
(ADELE and ROGER push and pull JESSICA around. JESSICA is too caught up in her contraction to be of much help. SHE's beyond blowing through it, and is grunting now as SHE pushes.)
ROGER
Good god! Her stomach doesn't fit!
ADELE
They'll have to deliver the baby like that! Half in and half out.
ROGER
No, no. We'll get her through. C'mon, Jess, Lassie, you've been doing so well. Just blow through one more contraction!
(HE is trying to guide her stomach through the opening as HE speaks.)
ADELE
Push down on it, Roger!
ROGER
I can't push down. That'd pop the baby out like the cork from a champagne bottle!
ADELE
Honestly, Roger! Here, let me.
(The lights flicker out again. ROGER and ADELE, hunched over JESSICA, block her from our view. The elevator lurches and moves down another inch or two — i.e., the wall moves up. JESSICA lets out a long-drawn out groan, rising to a yell, and we hear a baby cry
offstage.)
ADELE
Oh my! Oh, Roger!
(The lights flicker back on. JESSICA is gone, and ROGER and ADELE are both crouched, peering down into the lobby.)
ROGER
Oh my indeed! It's a girl? A girl, Adele! Mother and baby okay? ... They're just fine, Adele.
ADELE
Oh, Roger! It's so ... She's beautiful!
ROGER
Yeah. The baby's cute too.
ADELE
You were really good with her, Roger. You know?
ROGER
Well, I've done it before. Coached a birth or two.
ADELE
Roger?
ROGER
Mm?
ADELE
Was I really beautiful in labor?
ROGER
(HE's still watching out the door, not really paying attention.)
You're always beautiful, Adele. An attractive woman, whatever your faults.
ADELE
No, that's not what I mean. I mean ... I dunno.
ROGER
(Looking at her)
Yes. Yes, you were beautiful giving birth. Red as a valentine heart, sweaty as a marathon runner, and the loveliest thing I've seen in my 49 years on earth.
ADELE
(Still unsatisfied.)
Well, yes. But ... beautiful?
ROGER
(Moving a bit closer — he's beginning to feel amourous again.)
Absolutely beautiful.
ADELE
(Interrupting)
If I looked so beautiful, then why were you ...?
ROGER
(HE ignores the interruption.)
Well, not beautiful like you looked good walking into the party tonight, but ....
ADELE
(Backing off a little.)
You kept leering at that nurse with the big ....
ROGER
(Interrupting in turn, and getting annoyed.)
I wasn't leering at her. I was watching the fetal monitor. Nineteen years you've been throwing that nurse in my face! Can I help it if she kept sticking her big tits in my line of ... .
(HE realizes he's disrupting the mood he was trying to create.)
Anyway, she was no more than "pretty." And she was after the doctor, not me. No, you were the beautiful one.
ADELE
(Sarcastically)
Right.
ROGER
Not conventionally beautiful, but beautiful like — I don't know — like a thunderstorm over the Grand Canyon.
ADELE
A thunderstorm?
ROGER
Sure. Over the Grand Canyon. A force of nature.
(HE moves a little closer again, SHE backs off a little more.)
ADELE
When were you ever at the Grand Canyon?
ROGER
Well, never, actually. But I can imagine it. A force of nature. A beautiful force of nature.
(HE goes to kiss her, and SHE turns her face away, tempted by this point, but also embarrassed.)
ADELE
Not here Roger. We're on an elevator!
ROGER
They've forgotten us.
ADELE
You think so?
ROGER
I'm sure of it.
ADELE
Oh. Well, maybe ... .
(They embrace as ROGER gropes at the buttons, trying to hit “Door Close” without looking.)
CHUCK
(From offstage.)
Hey! You! You okay in there?
ADELE
(Pushing ROGER away.)
He means us!
ROGER
(Muttering)
Stupid fuck! When you don't want him to show up... .
(The baby is again heard crying offstage. ROGER and ADELE both look out: HE's disgruntled, SHE's flustered, and eager to get out of an embarassing situation.)
ADELE
Oh my, they're still there! Jessica and the baby are still there. Maybe I could just take a peek. Before they take them off to the hospital!
(ADELE scrambles into position to clamber down. ROGER stops her.)
ROGER
Me first, me first.
ADELE
(Taken aback.)
You first? Whatever happened to women and children first?
ROGER
I'm not having Chuck lifting you down and looking up your dress. Look at him, the slimy bastard. He's just waiting for the chance!
ADELE
Honestly, Roger, you think all men are like you!
ROGER
(Sliding out of sight.)
I'll just go first and help you myself, Adele. No need to put on a show.
ADELE
Me, put on a show? Me? After your behavior at the Martins' party, you accuse me of putting on a show?
ROGER
(From offstage as ADELE slides through and out of sight.)
I told you before, Adele, I wasn't flirting with that girl. Here. Let me just ...
ADELE
Oh. Right. And the sun doesn't set in the west.
ROGER
That's it. That's it. That's the last straw. I ... . Oh, Chuck! Pleased to meet ... . Listen, I hope you don't think I meant anything by what I said before. I was kind of under stress at the ... .
(ROGER's voice fades out as the elevator doors slide shut.)
THE END